Monday, September 13, 2010

First 24 hrs: on life, happiness and fears

So it's only been 24hrs and I've already realized a lot: that I don't feel like i made any very important decisions in my life, like I never really started behaving like an adult. And the one time i am left to do so, all i want to do is run back to safety and comfort.

I would love to have that firm belief that there is a deep healing of some kind for me here, that I will benefit from going through this, but right now it seems so unlikely. What healing? From my fears? It seems to me that if i am afraid of being alone, then i should just not be alone... but be with people I love, at home? What is the point of battling this fear anyways? Everyone is afraid to be alone in some sense and everyone is doing just fine...But that would mean that i would always be afraid to move anywhere but Calgary and i can't really tell if Calgary is the place for me. Its weird to me how I can't tell a difference between my ego indulging in my fears and the truth, the real me. I know we read all this stuff about anchoring the light, being all enlightened, but then i go through this and i am crushed. feel small and insignificant, I forget who i really am and where i came from. I come up with thoughts like this life is too hard and i don't know if I'll ever be able to go through it and enjoy it. Any of it. This duality is too great for me sometimes, my inner being feels like it's taken on more than i thought i could handle in this lifetime. I am embarrassed to admit, but i feel like my friend right now, who I have always criticized for giving up on everything. Well, now I just want to do the same and i actually sympathize with her.

I had no idea that all these issues would come up for me. It's as if I never tried to imagine this situation before, but I guess you never know how you feel until you're in it. And why didn't the thought that I would be very uncomfortable in a completely foreign country ever cross my mind before? Either i am an eternal optimist or i am just so full of illusions. Either way it feels like i do not know myself at all.

But here I find it almost impossible to relax, to mediate, because I am so overwhelmed with emotion, worry thoughts and everything. The only time today I felt calm and good was at the lecture room in our Geoscience building when the program advisor was doing the introduction. After that I left by myself to explore the city and my mood gradually got worse. It was mildly entertaining, but for the most part the overwhelming question of “what on earth am i doing here ?” doomed over me like a heavy could.

As of right now, I am without home Internet for a while, having to use Internet cafes, which makes the situation a little worse. I wish I could have contact with the other side of the world...I cannot imagine how anyone from our international group here feels excited, enthused or adventurous... it seems like they have all made peace with the fact that they are here, whether it was y coming here a week or two earlier and having time to get settled in, or maybe it's just that this is their ticket into a better future.

I tried to imagine, just before I called home, what it would feel like if I packed my bags right now (just how I really really want to) and got onto the first flight tomorrow back home? And you know what, I don't feel any relief. The sense of dissatisfaction and unfinished business will haunt me. Then i started thinking that maybe i have a deep dissatisfaction with life, that i was unhappy in Calgary before i left and here i am...miserable again. That I DON'T EVEN KNOW what makes me happy!!! Yeah, I can say being surrounded by people who love and understand me makes me happy, but what else? It seems like it needs to be deeper. This sense of happiness and calmness should come from the inside, it should not be affected by the outside parameters as much as I let it. I guess it's one thing to be able to handle things on my own in my usual environment, in Calgary, but it's another to do it here.
Well, writing is about the only thing that helps right now. I have been writing/trying to meditate for 3.5 hrs now. Have to get up in 7 hrs, having barely slept the last 2 nights. Doesn't add to my perceiving things any better. My judgement is cloudy, my body is slow and worn out, my appetite is gone. i don't feel like i belong anywhere, i feel suspended in the air, swaying from side to side. If only i could have known ahead of time what this will feel like!

1 comment:

  1. You are very enlightened. Although you seemed lost here your thought pattern is very wise! You are a talented writer!