A feel-good pill?

So this is what we've become: a  feel-good society, where we no longer can express something non-positive, no longer is it acceptable to just vent and hope for compassion and understanding-no. Everyone has to look for the deeper meaning, spiritual-ize everything. when I am simply lonely and homesick, so why cant anyone else simply acknowledge that? I don't need a lecture on what to do and how to feel, I already know that. I don't need any justifications for my existence. I just want simple, human compassion. 

But no, we are not allowed to express compassion anymore towards somebody who's wallowing. No time for that! Just get up and move on. No time to acknowledge any feelings that are not positive or constructive. 

What happened to standing still? Feeling the emotions through and through, releasing them one by one without looking for shortcuts or glaze-overs. What happened to simply honoring how you feel: good or bad, without distinction?

Yes, i am happy for those people who can use pain and life experiences as some inspirational stuff to write about., share with people, motivate others... Me? I just want to wallow.  For a day or two... who cares. I don't want to spiritualize it, write about it in some ambiguous terms, pretending to understand the intricate workings of the universe and my place in it... I just want to say: i feel bad today. not good. I don't feel happy right here and right now. For many reasons. Some simple and some complex.

Sure, you can have all the tools in the world to solve a problem. But simply knowing what to do doesn't magically lift you out of how you feel. You still need to deal with and acknowledge your feelings, no matter what they may be. But first, the desire to change, the motivation has to arise. And I think sometimes that motivation can only come once you've had enough. Once you've had enough of feeling bad, low, depressed. But you cannot simply jump over that stage to the "feeling good again" part. 

Sure, our society will try to avoid pain at any costs: anti-depressants, sleeping pills, energy pills,- just go, go, go,-don't stop to think about it. Worse yet, feel it. "Life is a comedy for those who think and a drama for those who feel"-said a poster in my Junior High counsellor's office. Well, I disagree. Feeling are our natural barometer. They are the first ones to tell us when something isn't right, something is "off", before we even know what that may be. To rationalize your feelings is to lose touch with your inner self: when if you don't dig too deep, everything is fine and life is going according to plan. Just don't dig too far, we don't want that. Noone cares as long as all is fine on the surface. So we keep going.

on love and fear

In order to get some of my sanity back after a hard exam this morning, I've decided to watch "Eat, Pray and Love" again. Admittedly, the book is much better than the movie, with much better insights and less emphasis on the happy ending. However, for the lack of better options, today was a movie-watching kind of day.
 So I wanted to write out some of my favourite quotes and my own thoughts on such.


"You disappear into the person you love: if I love you, you can have it all-my time, my money, my energy, my dreams ...I will give you all that and project on you all kinds of qualities you've never even had! I will give you all this and more, until i am so exhausted and depleted " (that i simply need to leave, end it, etc...)


Sounds familiar? Most of us have been there. We think when we are truly in love, there is no longer a need for boundaries and that's not right. Yes, loving means sharing, but not giving away! Boundaries are healthy and it's important to keep them there from day 1. The way you were regarding things which are important to you before you met the person, the same way you should regard them after. Losing yourselves in each other is only blissful in the first few weeks-months. Sooner or later you wake up to reality and you no longer recognize the person you've become and you start blaming your partner for "stealing you time" and now you want it back you want your life back, but to the partner it looks like a betrayal. Yes, some people really want nothing else than to lose themselves in someone, some relationship... indefinitely. They gladly sacrifice their careers, talents, ambitions, just for the sake of knowing that this person next to them will love them for it in return. After all, they gave all this up for you-now you owe them! And you will never be able to pay back THAT loan.


When things happen too fast, when someone just throws all their love and affection in you, you take it all in, and as soon as it is withheld, you start craving it, demanding it, turning resentful at the other .


"the object of your adoration is now repulsed by you.They start demanding their space as if you're some stranger, invading their territory. This kind of infatuation ends the same way-with complete devaluation of self, where you'll do anything to get that "hit" one more time."


Some people agree to be "miserable but happy not to be apart" - and they accept the dysfunctional relationship. And they settle for living in misery because they are afraid without each other it would be even worse, without each other their world would not exist, it would crumble to ruins...-but we all have the resources, the power, the strength to rebuild ourselves. 
"Ruined is a gift. ruined is a road to transformation. We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."


So here is the choice: do you base the decisions on fear or love?
Staying together out of fear of being alone, out of fear you won't make it, out of fear of change, of not being able to adapt, out of fear of making the wrong decision and perpetual regret. 
Out of fear of not finding a better mate, succumbed to living the rest of our lives alone. 
All of us have had these fears at least once in our lives. Looking back, we can tell the person we've become by the choices we've made: were they based on fear or love? truth or made-believe? When we make choices from a place of strength and leap into the unknown, supported by nothing but pure faith, that is when we open ourselves to the universe to bestow its blessings. You always have the choice of staying in a stagnant pool, where the water is warm and murky, but at least everything is familiar. and noone will judge you but yourself. Some people have lived many a happy life like that. But consider this: what does that life teach you in the end? Does it show you the potential you carry inside yourself, does it reveal the many gifts stored for you, waiting to be opened?
 ... the gifts that are waiting for you somewhere else, where you have to take the leap of faith to get to-the other road.

Power of now

Well, this is a lonely time around here. I am not a kind of person who lets go easily. I am a dweller. To let go, to separate, to leave the past in the past is not easy for me. It has never been. Yes, I have read all about the wonders of "dropping the weight of the past" and soaring into the bright new future. However, I am not one of those people who draws a line in the sand between past and present, makes a firm decision and then never crosses the line again.

 But I am slowly learning how to do that. 

In order to regain your lifeforce energy and make full use if it, you need to be fully present now. For your life to work, to get all the things you desire for yourself, your energy needs to be here and now. 

Sometime we do just need to let go. Too often we choose to play some roles in our lives that do not represent who we really are. Too often we think we need another to "fix us", to add some excitement to our lives... we feel lacking, feel that as long there is someone to patch the little holes in our emotional bodies, it might be ok, it might just work. But it is time to wake up and  realize our wholeness. To realize that you already are that which you are trying to become: all mighty, all powerful, reflection of the Universe,-a pure miracle. 

It is time for us to step into that power, own it, feel it, use it how we were meant to use it. Stop pretending that we are mere victims of life when we are not. 

We are perfect, whole and complete. 

Let it be!

What a neat date!

1.11.2011. I just had to write something!
Well, today was a hard lesson in the planning department. When you need a prescription in Germany, you must think and act accordingly at least 2 months prior to. What could have been an easy prescription refill back home now turns into a huge escapade. Last time I went to sign up with a doctor, he gave me this lovely calendar with all his holidays on it. As I turn up at his office today, turns out he's decided to extend it by another week. Totally lost, I ask the pharmacist where I can get a prescription refill, as she motions over to the next building, saying there is an office there, and it should be no problem. As I am climbing up a staircase in a small apartment building, there is a note on the door saying something "today only...prescriptions..3rd floor" (was I ever glad I had my German dictionary with me, thanks to my German class later on). Upon arriving at the third floor, another note greets me, with more unfamiliar German words. 15 minutes and many confusing word meanings later, I figured out the note said how they are only open from 2 til 4 today. Man, these Germans really need to check their work ethic. I mean, really, it's been 10 days into the New Year, people, enough celebrating!


Feeling a huge need for  improvement in my German, I was happy to get back into my twice a week language class routine. Only when I could not even say the first sentence fully in German did I realize how rusty I've become. It's funny how you can live in a country, yet completely get away without speaking the language. Ah, one day, German, I will conquer you.

Back at school!

First day of school back was horribly dreaded for a few days prior to, but turned out to be quite great! Of course, waking up before sunrise seemed like a horrible punishment for all those late holiday wake ups... but it was great to see familiar faces on the bus again, after two weeks off. Everyone was sharing stories about their travels and holidays breaks. Some went to visit friends in Dresden, Heidelberg, Berlin...others went all over Europe or back to their home countries. One thing was in common: all were complaining about the trains being cancelled, delayed or simply stuck in the snow. What should have been a 2-hour trip took at least twice that. Once again, I was quite happy with my decision to not leave the small and safe surroundings of Tuebingen. 
Later on, after surviving the glorious four hours of lectures, an impromptu trip to Metzingen was in order! How else do you celebrate the beginning of the last month of the winter semester? Thinking of all the exams and projects ahead, much cheering up was needed. So the four of us jumped on the first train heading to the shopping mecca of south Germany, giving the whole end of the season sale one more chance! That's one decision you can never go wrong with-shopping. Once again, I hit up my favourites: puma, triumph and lindt outlet (something for every part of the body). Of course, Lindt wins by a long shot in the instant gratification category. You should see all the flavours they've never even heard of in North America... it's a chocolate lover's heaven...I am reaching for one right now!

Some music for my gentle ears

I've finally decided to give classical music concerts a try. Not the free, amateur church kind either, but the real, big concert hall and full orchestra kind of concert. Am I ever glad I did.

Ok, so I can't say exactly whose pieces were played, as there were quite a few of them and I have decided to forgo the program (hey, they charge extra for it!). All i know is the selection was fantastic, the Prague Symphonic orchestra brilliant and the overall experience delightful. 

It is interesting that almost all the seats were sold out and all age categories were present.Watching some people in the audience, it was clear that this is not some social function for many, but a night to appreciate the genius of many great composers of the past. I will definitely be making these concerts a part of my cultural life here in Germany, especially with the 50% student discount on tickets!

where is the snow?

It's been abnormally warm and spring-like in Tuebingen. Went for a nice walk by the Neckar river and the air smelled so fresh, so full of hope and the things to come! Everyone was out: older men with their dogs greeting each other on the streets, families taking pictures, moms pushing the kids in toy cars in front of them... Tuebingen is full of life on a Saturday!

Photo from last week, when I thought there was still a chance to go skiing this weekend.

the travel bug

Some days all that gets me out of bed in the morning is dreaming of the travels to come, researching and planning the sights to see, things to take and to buy at local markets.

 A certain sense of excitement and adventures to be had renews my zest for life. 

When small town winter hibernation seems too much, I remind myself that I am in Europe and there are a million of places to go and see and now everything is that much closer.

 Today, out of curiosity, I “googled “ the best places to live in the world. Not surprising, Canada and new Zealand were second after Europe. Reading one of the websites full of reasons “why move to Calgary” did not inspire me whatsoever. What once seemed like valid, good points now are just weak justifications for settling for something else when my heart desires more. Maybe Calgary is a good place to settle for families with children, but from a single person's point of view, I would rather experience all the other places the world has to offer. 

Ones next to the ocean, preferably.

Happiness

Once again, I come to the conclusion that happiness is a choice. You have to actively choose it and the actions that support it. This means not wallowing, not dwelling, especially in self-pity, or imagining the worst outcomes in the future, or even taking your thoughts seriously.

 By choosing happiness you are taking on a responsibility to dispel any negativity, to always choose love over fear,  to not associate yourself and your identity with the drama and past hurts and pains made up by your mind and perpetuated by your thoughts.

"You are unique, and you have to accept you as you are, instead of trying to repeat other people’s destinies or patterns. Insanity is to behave like someone that you are not.

Normality is the capacity to express your feelings. From the moment that you don’t fear to share your heart, you are a free person."

 Paolo Coelho,
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/
 (I highly recommend to check out his amazing, inspiring blog)

Stand Forth

Quietly contemplating life today... I want to share this with you, written by a very inspiring yoga teacher at the Bodhi Tree Studio, Jon:

"Stand forth. Find your natural state of being full, of being whole, of letting your inner light shine.

Find that internal confidence that is like a quiet inner light, smooth and steady, and allow it to shine. 

Let it shine for no other reason than that it is there and it is beautiful. 

Your inner light has grace and beauty that can be seen even when you are by yourself. 

Be proud, with a quiet humble pride that remains the same when you are talking and when you are silent, that is unwavering whether you are the center of attention or find yourself alone.

 This is your newly familiar feeling of empowerment, settled into your everyday way of being. 

So with faith and courage, stand forth."