Home

What is home and where is it?

I asked a friend and she said, simply, without a hesitation: "home is where my cat is!" To most people, home is where their family is, sometimes it may include few generations under one roof...
 Well, here I am. No cat, no family, just a few friends who barely even know who I really am.
And yet, for the first time, I feel at home. I have realized that the longing I have been feeling for some time is not just the longing to be with my close friends and loved ones, but it is also my heart longing to be at peace with myself. No longer needing to run, to distract myself with a myriad of things, people, new experiences. But simply be, taking it one day at a time and practicing being as present and joyful as I can. Because at the end of the day, when your heart is not at peace with yourself, no matter where you go, nothing will amuse you, nothing will amaze you, nothing will bring you happiness-not when there is none inside.

So today is really about how I am going to live day by day, noticing the miracles (so-called "synchronicities"), being the centered, calm "me", who does not feel the need to rush anywhere or distract myself with the outside world.
 

When my heart is content, I am at home, I am at peace.

Wishing you a all wonderful evening, may the stars show you the way :)

Decisions, decisions.

Making decisions for happiness, based on happiness.
I don't know about you, but my whole life the only area I really struggled in was the making decisions department. I usually felt too overwhelmed with the variety of options, or otherwise limited and trapped by having too few. In either case, I would usually procrastinate and wait until "the choice makes itself", either by missing all the other opportunities or by forfeiting my right to participate. I've often felt as if someone was always watching a waiting for me to make the wrong move, so they can judge in their self-righteousness. And so I have always been envious of the "make a choice and never look back" mentality. It always sounded too good to be true. "So you mean any choice I make is a good one as long as I learn from it?"- I would often ask, in complete disbelief. I guess somewhere deep inside there has always been an installed belief in pure "right" and "wrong", which now, I am beginning to admit, does not exist. 
Often we find ourselves to be a different person that the one who made a decision that led you to where you are now. So we evaluate and change the course. It is only natural to change direction as your inner self morphs into something new. Often we try to put ourselves in  a "box of definitions": I am this and not that... and we think this is the way it has to stay. And it doesn't.
As we morph and grow into the people we envision or cannot even imagine yet, everything changes. Sometimes it's ok to do a 90-degree turn and sometimes it is ok to do a 180. As long as you are making that decision from a place of peace and happiness in your heart. 
Granted, it would be nice to see "what's around the corner". It would be nice to have a glimpse of the consequences of your decisions before you make it. But more often that not, we already know what that decision is. Life points it out to you if you are open and ready to listen. In many subtle ways: through song lyrics, people we meet, things we read,-we are guided, constantly. And as long as the idea of what we "must be" does not stand in our way, I believe in our capacity to make the right decisions for ourselves and for the whole...based on happiness.

Exam time

Second exam of this week-done!

Well, this was one of the fastest exams I had ever written. The 2 hours went by in a blink of an eye and upon exiting, a funny feeling settled in: one of lightness and clarity. It is as if I has purged all of the information from my brain and onto the paper. and now i am light and free! with only 1 exam left to go, I feel like this weight is lifting off my shoulders. After the exam, I noticed the air was pleasantly warm outside, although the day is once again overcast. So I got off the bus a few stops early and took a walk through a little green patch to get to my home. It was quite a lovely leisurely walk. As I stood there, looking at all the hills and cute little homes down in the valley, i thought to myself "What am I missing here? Skyscrapers? Chinook mall? More concrete? More traffic? More construction?" And I realized that these 2 years abroad are going to go by very very fast and before I know it, I will be back in Canada, reminiscing about these beautiful green hills and cute homes and total lack of vertical architecture. So I better enjoy this, while it is here, in all its simple, unpretentious beauty. Yes, Europe is not the place I see myself "settling in", but I do want to see as much of it as I can, while I can and marvel at its history and beauty, at its own pace of life.

A feel-good pill?

So this is what we've become: a  feel-good society, where we no longer can express something non-positive, no longer is it acceptable to just vent and hope for compassion and understanding-no. Everyone has to look for the deeper meaning, spiritual-ize everything. when I am simply lonely and homesick, so why cant anyone else simply acknowledge that? I don't need a lecture on what to do and how to feel, I already know that. I don't need any justifications for my existence. I just want simple, human compassion. 

But no, we are not allowed to express compassion anymore towards somebody who's wallowing. No time for that! Just get up and move on. No time to acknowledge any feelings that are not positive or constructive. 

What happened to standing still? Feeling the emotions through and through, releasing them one by one without looking for shortcuts or glaze-overs. What happened to simply honoring how you feel: good or bad, without distinction?

Yes, i am happy for those people who can use pain and life experiences as some inspirational stuff to write about., share with people, motivate others... Me? I just want to wallow.  For a day or two... who cares. I don't want to spiritualize it, write about it in some ambiguous terms, pretending to understand the intricate workings of the universe and my place in it... I just want to say: i feel bad today. not good. I don't feel happy right here and right now. For many reasons. Some simple and some complex.

Sure, you can have all the tools in the world to solve a problem. But simply knowing what to do doesn't magically lift you out of how you feel. You still need to deal with and acknowledge your feelings, no matter what they may be. But first, the desire to change, the motivation has to arise. And I think sometimes that motivation can only come once you've had enough. Once you've had enough of feeling bad, low, depressed. But you cannot simply jump over that stage to the "feeling good again" part. 

Sure, our society will try to avoid pain at any costs: anti-depressants, sleeping pills, energy pills,- just go, go, go,-don't stop to think about it. Worse yet, feel it. "Life is a comedy for those who think and a drama for those who feel"-said a poster in my Junior High counsellor's office. Well, I disagree. Feeling are our natural barometer. They are the first ones to tell us when something isn't right, something is "off", before we even know what that may be. To rationalize your feelings is to lose touch with your inner self: when if you don't dig too deep, everything is fine and life is going according to plan. Just don't dig too far, we don't want that. Noone cares as long as all is fine on the surface. So we keep going.

on love and fear

In order to get some of my sanity back after a hard exam this morning, I've decided to watch "Eat, Pray and Love" again. Admittedly, the book is much better than the movie, with much better insights and less emphasis on the happy ending. However, for the lack of better options, today was a movie-watching kind of day.
 So I wanted to write out some of my favourite quotes and my own thoughts on such.


"You disappear into the person you love: if I love you, you can have it all-my time, my money, my energy, my dreams ...I will give you all that and project on you all kinds of qualities you've never even had! I will give you all this and more, until i am so exhausted and depleted " (that i simply need to leave, end it, etc...)


Sounds familiar? Most of us have been there. We think when we are truly in love, there is no longer a need for boundaries and that's not right. Yes, loving means sharing, but not giving away! Boundaries are healthy and it's important to keep them there from day 1. The way you were regarding things which are important to you before you met the person, the same way you should regard them after. Losing yourselves in each other is only blissful in the first few weeks-months. Sooner or later you wake up to reality and you no longer recognize the person you've become and you start blaming your partner for "stealing you time" and now you want it back you want your life back, but to the partner it looks like a betrayal. Yes, some people really want nothing else than to lose themselves in someone, some relationship... indefinitely. They gladly sacrifice their careers, talents, ambitions, just for the sake of knowing that this person next to them will love them for it in return. After all, they gave all this up for you-now you owe them! And you will never be able to pay back THAT loan.


When things happen too fast, when someone just throws all their love and affection in you, you take it all in, and as soon as it is withheld, you start craving it, demanding it, turning resentful at the other .


"the object of your adoration is now repulsed by you.They start demanding their space as if you're some stranger, invading their territory. This kind of infatuation ends the same way-with complete devaluation of self, where you'll do anything to get that "hit" one more time."


Some people agree to be "miserable but happy not to be apart" - and they accept the dysfunctional relationship. And they settle for living in misery because they are afraid without each other it would be even worse, without each other their world would not exist, it would crumble to ruins...-but we all have the resources, the power, the strength to rebuild ourselves. 
"Ruined is a gift. ruined is a road to transformation. We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."


So here is the choice: do you base the decisions on fear or love?
Staying together out of fear of being alone, out of fear you won't make it, out of fear of change, of not being able to adapt, out of fear of making the wrong decision and perpetual regret. 
Out of fear of not finding a better mate, succumbed to living the rest of our lives alone. 
All of us have had these fears at least once in our lives. Looking back, we can tell the person we've become by the choices we've made: were they based on fear or love? truth or made-believe? When we make choices from a place of strength and leap into the unknown, supported by nothing but pure faith, that is when we open ourselves to the universe to bestow its blessings. You always have the choice of staying in a stagnant pool, where the water is warm and murky, but at least everything is familiar. and noone will judge you but yourself. Some people have lived many a happy life like that. But consider this: what does that life teach you in the end? Does it show you the potential you carry inside yourself, does it reveal the many gifts stored for you, waiting to be opened?
 ... the gifts that are waiting for you somewhere else, where you have to take the leap of faith to get to-the other road.

Power of now

Well, this is a lonely time around here. I am not a kind of person who lets go easily. I am a dweller. To let go, to separate, to leave the past in the past is not easy for me. It has never been. Yes, I have read all about the wonders of "dropping the weight of the past" and soaring into the bright new future. However, I am not one of those people who draws a line in the sand between past and present, makes a firm decision and then never crosses the line again.

 But I am slowly learning how to do that. 

In order to regain your lifeforce energy and make full use if it, you need to be fully present now. For your life to work, to get all the things you desire for yourself, your energy needs to be here and now. 

Sometime we do just need to let go. Too often we choose to play some roles in our lives that do not represent who we really are. Too often we think we need another to "fix us", to add some excitement to our lives... we feel lacking, feel that as long there is someone to patch the little holes in our emotional bodies, it might be ok, it might just work. But it is time to wake up and  realize our wholeness. To realize that you already are that which you are trying to become: all mighty, all powerful, reflection of the Universe,-a pure miracle. 

It is time for us to step into that power, own it, feel it, use it how we were meant to use it. Stop pretending that we are mere victims of life when we are not. 

We are perfect, whole and complete. 

Let it be!